Dated.Dec. 22. 07. 7a.m.
My dearest Sweetheart,
You left this morning and I didn’t say good bye, but I felt your tender kiss! I was awake. I pretended to sleep, its better that way. Better for me, because what I have to tell is too difficult to say to your beautiful face.
I thought of saying something poetic like ‘Now is the winter of my discontent’, but it seems so puerile. You have been so patient with me Robert, and all I can offer in return- is my pretence; being for you, whatever it is, that you want me to be.
Today is Dec 22; the date on which we first met all those years ago. Do you remember Robert? We sat on that wall for hours looking up at the moon together. We were so young and I so drunk. You saved me that night. I never forgot how you whisked me away from that dreadful party, when everyone else left me lying there in my own vomit; you were my handsome knight, who took me in a taxi home. You were my hero. You nestled me in your arms for hours by the wall in front of that house, because I needed you.
I wanted to leave that night Robert, but you gave me a reason to stay. You were- you are my Tristan, and we sipped from the cup. I dammed you so many times for doing that to me. Did you ever know? Did I, until this moment? Things we need to know, things we need to tell each other, if only , if only ; I’m tired of …………….if only.
Yes today is Dec 22 – The Winter Solstice, and like the sun, my heart is at its farthest point from your world. If it were not for you Robert, this would be so much easier.
Believe me I have tried, through my regret to spare you this sorrow; but I know you will eventually understand, the right in this wrong that I must inflict on you.
Remember that sunset in Crete? We were together – just you and I, sitting on the silent sand; waves lapping at our bare feet, your arms embracing me. The air was warm and dry. You asked me to marry you.
I said: Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it.
You laughed and said: I have everything I want, right here.
Did you know then, what everything really meant? Do you still want everything?
I remember the sun that evening, a gargantuan medallion, sinking beneath the sea, and with it sank my expectation. Against my sentient being, I replied: So be it.
You were so delirious with joy, my indifference escaped you. I was, as remote as the lonely sun is today, as you were drunk on the potion. For a time I was too Robert, but inevitably the concoction transformed.
Like a tree that stretches from hell to heaven, my roots have slowly carried the poison into the branches of your joy. I’ve seen your delight gradually wither each time you look at me.
How can she tell my Tristan that the sails are black when she knows they are white? I know how easy it was for her to take you from me. I have only myself to blame. So much to say, so late to say it! I am not doing you wrong Robert; I am doing what I should have done a very long time ago.
I know now, that you are everything. I know that you belong to her. Know that where I now choose to go, is where I’ve always been.
The love I gave you, as remote as the Solstice Sun, was none the less in earnest sincerity.
Good bye my love.